A Letter to My Teacher

I borrowed the format of this letter from another blogger that I follow (Autism Daddy he goes by). I think it is a great idea to send to school with Sienna when she starts the new school year.  There will be a lot of changes for her that would not typically send a child into the tizzy that we expect in the evenings. The things that will cause anxiety for her include having: a different classroom, a new cubby in a hallway, no classroom bathroom, a new class structure (with assigned desks), a new teacher with new strategies and expectations, new classmates (as she will move from a split JK/SK to a full grade 1), a new routine, different doors to enter/exit, her brother being there at recess and on the bus, riding the bus, and likely new people at the YMCA daycare in the mornings... These are the things that come to mind but I'm sure there will be others that will take us a while to figure out from her limited communication. That's where the EA will be so helpful! 

Anyway, here is the letter I've written. I haven't done my usual one thousand edits yet so it's straight from the drawing table. I'd love feedback from anyone and everyone on things to add or take out, especially those of you who work in the elementary school system and those of you who know her. Have I missed important things? There is no way to capture it all but I hope to get the essentials covered. Thanks ahead of time! Just send me a Facebook message with your suggestions!

A LETTER TO MY TEACHER - FIFTEEN THINGS ABOUT ME

Hi, my name is Sienna and I am in your class this year. I’m sure you’ve seen me in the halls but I want you to know a little more about me. I’m nervous to be in your class because it’s new and I don’t know what to expect. I need some time to adjust and then I will feel comfortable. I will probably manage well at school in my first few weeks but at home my mom and dad expect some meltdowns. As the time goes by, you will be amazed by the skills that I possess. I sometimes look like I don’t understand. That’s just because I don’t have the same expressions and reactions as other people. I might not look at you when you talk but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you.  In fact, I usually hear more than most people (like furnaces and hand dryers). As I become familiar with your classroom I will begin to shine. A great way to speed up this process is letting me know what to expect. Written or picture schedules for the day reduce my anxiety. A five minute warning before a change of activity can help me greatly too. You are my teacher and I look up to you. I want to succeed this year but I can’t do it without your help and most importantly, your belief in me that I can do it!

1. What is my general disposition?

I am generally happy and like to learn new things. If I get excited or nervous you may see me clench my fists or slide my jaw to the side. Sometimes I might interrupt or can talk quite loudly because I am still learning many social cues.  

2. What am I really, really good at?

I am really good at reading although it may take me some time to read out loud to you. When I left senior kindergarten, my teacher said I was reading above grade level. I am also really good at remembering facts about animals and reptiles because I am so interested in them. I would be the first to grab a frog, spider or bug if I saw one.

3. What do I absolutely LOVE doing?

I absolutely love using the computers or an iPad. Mom and dad use these as rewards for me or else I would spend all day long on one or the other. I also love humming and singing to myself. That means I’m happy and could also mean I’m tuning people out.

4. What do I absolutely HATE doing?

If you asked my mom, she would say I hate pooping… haha! But I don’t really hate doing anything. You’ll know by my reaction if there is something I don’t wish to do. I do, however, dislike crowds, loud noises, and being unsure of what to do next. If you give me a specific job to do, I will excel. I don’t like doing something wrong (like printing a letter incorrectly) and I also don’t want the teacher to think that I’m behaving inappropriately on purpose.

5. What academics are my strong areas?

On my last report card, I was beyond expected level in some math areas (number sense and numeration, geometry and spatial sense and patterning). I was also beyond expected level in reading and writing. I came home in June with entire paragraphs printed. My mom is happy to hear this because she can’t get me to read or write at all at home! And I looooooove exploration and experimentation in science.

6. What academics do I need a lot of extra help with?

I need a little extra care in health and physical activity because we are still working on my body awareness so I can be clumsy. I have a hard time participating in group games sometimes. This is likely because there are many steps to the rules of the game and perhaps because it’s loud and I don’t know what to expect, especially with so many other children running around and making a lot of noise. Again, I also don’t want to do something wrong and I don’t like “losing”. However, I did well this past summer at camp when I tried a few things out. I just have to be ready and in the right mind frame to try.

7. Which skills would my parents really like me to work on this year?

My parents would be so happy if I improved my toileting skills. They’re not so much concerned about initiating bathroom visits as much as they are with just having success. We use a daily reward system for clean underwear and successful BMs in the toilet. Anything made with chocolate is my favourite! I’m sure my mom will send some along with me on the first day. This summer I went for six whole days in a row without an accident AND with sufficient successes in the toilet. My parents were so proud! My mom has to keep an eye on the amount that I expel because when I hold for too long or have too few small BMs, I will need to have some stool softener so I don’t end up going to the hospital again. Mrs. Casey knows me well and she sends home a daily tracking sheet for my mom with that information.

8. How do you know when I’m getting frustrated?

When I’m getting frustrated at home I sometimes screech and make odd noises. This can easily lead to crying (or what my mom calls “the siren”). Mom doesn’t think I have used the siren at school very often because the teachers and EAs have recognized when I need a break. At home frustration may look like me hitting my brother with whatever object is near, my hand or a remote, whatever works! He will be in junior kindergarten this year and mom and dad are not sure if that will be a good thing for him/me or bad for him/me. 

9. What can you do to calm me down before the storm hits?

Using a calm, quiet voice and clearing my personal space helps calm me down. Taking a quiet break somewhere is the best thing, as long as I’m not being centred out or think that I am in trouble. This is where my occupational therapy really helps as well, like having someone do joint compressions, heavy lifting, large muscle activity, spinning, a squeeze toy, or playing in a sensory bucket. It’s best to do those things before the activity that might frustrate me though.

10. Too late! The storm hit! What can you do to calm me down?

Redirecting me to a quiet place to be alone will help and you may wish to ask my previous teachers what strategies they have used. Mom and dad could tell you all the strategies they use, but I tend to react to and respond to things differently at school. 

11. What strategies work really well to get me to do something I don’t want to do?

Making something exciting helps me do something I don’t want to. Being given one step at a time helps. I also like to see a few other people do it first so I know what to expect. Motivation to do things I don’t want to is always a challenge because my motivator changes frequently depending on my day/mood. Using “first, then” language may help with the “then” being something I really enjoy doing.

12. What typically makes me laugh?


Sometimes making jokes makes me laugh but other times I just don’t understand because I process things in a literal way. Swimming always makes me laugh because I love the weightless feeling I have in the water.

13. What consequences back-fire and don’t give the desired results?

When mom or dad raise their voices or try to reason with me when I’m already frustrated, it does not give the desired results. They also use a countdown of 3…2…1… if it is something they feel I can handle at the time.





14. I don’t like consequences, but which consequences work well for me?

Warning me of a time out using specific straightforward language may cause me some stress but may also stop the undesired behaviour from occurring. Time outs are devastating to me. At home, mom and dad most often use “first, then” so there are rarely consequences that would include taking things away from me. I have a hard time understanding consequences because I don’t realize what I’ve done that’s inappropriate. Mom and dad try to focus on the behaviour they hope to see the next time.

15. I would also like you to know that …

I love music and singing and dancing. After school I will be continuing with piano lessons on Mondays and swimming lessons on Tuesdays.

I love school and look forward to going every day. One of my parents will be dropping me off at the YMCA daycare – which I enjoy. My favourite friends are Katie and Maddie and they are twins in senior kindergarten. I also have many neighbours and friends that are in grade one. I just need some help pairing up with other children from whom I can learn positive social skills.

I would like to use the wheelchair bathroom (which I call the “secret bathroom”) so that I am not distracted by the noises that occur in a larger bathroom. Last year Mrs. Casey took me once in the morning, at snack times and around 3:00 to prepare for the bus. Hopefully we could try that out again this year ☺

I need a lot of help with the social skills that other children inherently understand. One example is that my mom taught me how to chew with my mouth closed three years ago, but I’ve let it slip over the last few months. So she is once again reminding me of how to chew my food politely.

I am not easily able to communicate the activities and academics I partake in, or the challenges and triumphs that I have at school every day. My mom and dad would be so grateful to have some ideas communicated home so that they can start a conversation with me about these things when I get off the bus. Maybe you have a way of communicating with the parents of all of your students. We had a communication book with my kindergarten teacher that was very helpful and if you wanted to take a look at it, you could just let my mom know. 

This article is property of and copyright © 2003-2010 Jene Aviram of Natural Learning Concepts. 

Reference of this article may only be included in your documentation provided that reference is made to the owner - Jene Aviram and a reference to this site http://www.nlconcepts.com Jene is an accomplished author and developer of education materials for children with autism and special needs. She is a co-founder of Natural Learning Concepts, a leading manufacturer for special education materials and autism products. Visit the Natural Learning Concepts website at http://www.nlconcepts.com 

Mommy Guilt

People have probably heard the term mommy guilt. We all know what that is... Am I raising my child right? Do I spend enough quality time with him? How could I have sent her to her room? Man, I really yelled at him at dinner. There are some people who have come a long way in their understanding of autism. If I share a quick story about An Hour in the Life of the Meltdown City Queen, most get it. And having kids is exhausting period. I share that exhaustion. I also recognize the amount of time and effort I put into just one kid (and I have two!). Because of that, I feel guilty about a lot of things... And here they are.

#1: My son does not get the nurturing and attention he needs, wants or deserves. He often has to sit and wait. Even when he has what he believes is an urgent request/question/comment about something. I'm sure he wonders why he is disciplined for some things that his sister is not. He gets interrupted. He's usually second. He has to change the way he plays, his noise level, where he sits, what television shows he watches and what order he does things in. He's a very accommodating kid and I'm hoping that he will grow up not feeling resentful or letting people walk all over him, but that he will continue to advocate for his sister and model how to be sensitive to other people's needs. I am very conscious of this guilt and lately have worked on ensuring that he gets one on one time with both mommy and daddy - together and separately. Even if it's just a car ride from daycare for ten minutes with one of us -- we try to make the best of it and give him our full attention.

#2: I would like to spend more time with friends and family. My dad, for one, lives about 40 minutes away, which is not far but for a handful of reasons we never see each other. Jamie and I work full time Monday to Friday during the school year and drive the kids around to sports some evenings. Most evenings it looks almost like the typical young family... Kids get home, unpack backpacks, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner, kids shower, read books and go to bed. You might add a few meltdowns, refusals to eat dinner (from either child), two scheduled fifteen minute bathroom breaks with incentives and rewards, make sure you use the right words at all times, prepare child for transitions with countdowns and incentives, follow the predictable routine, clean a couple of pairs of dirty underwear, and a break up couple of sibling-scraps. Straying from our nightly routine adds to the meltdowns, the accidents and the night terrors. Not to mention that for Sienna, after a long day at a school, a 40 minute car ride times two with an outing in a different environment, life becomes overwhelming. Hence, we can't visit anyone during the week. Not right now (I predict and hope that sometime in the future it will be much easier). Even a visit from someone to our house through the week, gramps or not, is sketchy. Then we do things out of order or we skip bath or we go to bed late. Disaster. About the friends... Life is different for us than it is for our friends and their typical families. I'll be blunt and to the point. Our friendship checklist has changed in the last few years. We have to be around people who are patient. All of our friends are sensitive but they have to know what they're getting into when our whole family comes over for dinner or shares an outing. And it takes a great deal of patience.

#3: I would like to spend more quality time with Jamie. Without the kids. Without the challenges of parenting two completely different kids two completely different ways. We spend so much time trying to do the same thing, say the same thing, respond the same way, stick to the routine, follow the expected order of things... that there are very few times that we can just have a conversation. Even five minutes. It never fails that someone needs their hot chocolate right now or ding-ding-ding it's time to take a kid to the bathroom. And by the end of the night I'm pretty much done with the spoken language. I'm ready to zombie out and watch the next episode of Game of Thrones and I'm sure Jamie feels the same way.

#4: I'd like Sienna to have play dates with children in her class. I'm seriously lacking energy here. I'm thinking her little cutesy little friends are having play dates while she's not. I could be wrong. It's an important part of her development however. The more exposure she can have to guided play with peers, the better. School play is just not enough. How do I explain all the quirks and reactions she may have, how to prepare her for transitions, things that might cause her anxiety, what to do in a meltdown situation, and how to toilet her whe she's over to have play time? I just don't have the energy and I don't know who would take all that on. Well... That's a lie. We do have one friend who knows Sienna well and we feel very comfortable having her go over for a few hours to play with her same-aged daughter because she provided child care for us for the last year before kindergarten. It's challenging to have kids over here but is probably the easiest solution. I would likely have to guide the play, plan some specific structured activities, and stay closeby to help out with the social skills so they'll want to come back again. It would be best to have her brother be elsewhere. He is a great player but to have him at home when there's another kid here can disrupt the purpose of the play date. He doesn't get in the way for the most part but the extra person/ noise/ negotiating adds to Sienna's stress sometimes. Plus, he's very social and would take over in that department.

I think that's all for now. Just plain old mommy guilt. I had it when my kids were babies and I'll have it when they're paying for their post-secondary educations! I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this one.