Mommy Guilt

People have probably heard the term mommy guilt. We all know what that is... Am I raising my child right? Do I spend enough quality time with him? How could I have sent her to her room? Man, I really yelled at him at dinner. There are some people who have come a long way in their understanding of autism. If I share a quick story about An Hour in the Life of the Meltdown City Queen, most get it. And having kids is exhausting period. I share that exhaustion. I also recognize the amount of time and effort I put into just one kid (and I have two!). Because of that, I feel guilty about a lot of things... And here they are.

#1: My son does not get the nurturing and attention he needs, wants or deserves. He often has to sit and wait. Even when he has what he believes is an urgent request/question/comment about something. I'm sure he wonders why he is disciplined for some things that his sister is not. He gets interrupted. He's usually second. He has to change the way he plays, his noise level, where he sits, what television shows he watches and what order he does things in. He's a very accommodating kid and I'm hoping that he will grow up not feeling resentful or letting people walk all over him, but that he will continue to advocate for his sister and model how to be sensitive to other people's needs. I am very conscious of this guilt and lately have worked on ensuring that he gets one on one time with both mommy and daddy - together and separately. Even if it's just a car ride from daycare for ten minutes with one of us -- we try to make the best of it and give him our full attention.

#2: I would like to spend more time with friends and family. My dad, for one, lives about 40 minutes away, which is not far but for a handful of reasons we never see each other. Jamie and I work full time Monday to Friday during the school year and drive the kids around to sports some evenings. Most evenings it looks almost like the typical young family... Kids get home, unpack backpacks, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner, kids shower, read books and go to bed. You might add a few meltdowns, refusals to eat dinner (from either child), two scheduled fifteen minute bathroom breaks with incentives and rewards, make sure you use the right words at all times, prepare child for transitions with countdowns and incentives, follow the predictable routine, clean a couple of pairs of dirty underwear, and a break up couple of sibling-scraps. Straying from our nightly routine adds to the meltdowns, the accidents and the night terrors. Not to mention that for Sienna, after a long day at a school, a 40 minute car ride times two with an outing in a different environment, life becomes overwhelming. Hence, we can't visit anyone during the week. Not right now (I predict and hope that sometime in the future it will be much easier). Even a visit from someone to our house through the week, gramps or not, is sketchy. Then we do things out of order or we skip bath or we go to bed late. Disaster. About the friends... Life is different for us than it is for our friends and their typical families. I'll be blunt and to the point. Our friendship checklist has changed in the last few years. We have to be around people who are patient. All of our friends are sensitive but they have to know what they're getting into when our whole family comes over for dinner or shares an outing. And it takes a great deal of patience.

#3: I would like to spend more quality time with Jamie. Without the kids. Without the challenges of parenting two completely different kids two completely different ways. We spend so much time trying to do the same thing, say the same thing, respond the same way, stick to the routine, follow the expected order of things... that there are very few times that we can just have a conversation. Even five minutes. It never fails that someone needs their hot chocolate right now or ding-ding-ding it's time to take a kid to the bathroom. And by the end of the night I'm pretty much done with the spoken language. I'm ready to zombie out and watch the next episode of Game of Thrones and I'm sure Jamie feels the same way.

#4: I'd like Sienna to have play dates with children in her class. I'm seriously lacking energy here. I'm thinking her little cutesy little friends are having play dates while she's not. I could be wrong. It's an important part of her development however. The more exposure she can have to guided play with peers, the better. School play is just not enough. How do I explain all the quirks and reactions she may have, how to prepare her for transitions, things that might cause her anxiety, what to do in a meltdown situation, and how to toilet her whe she's over to have play time? I just don't have the energy and I don't know who would take all that on. Well... That's a lie. We do have one friend who knows Sienna well and we feel very comfortable having her go over for a few hours to play with her same-aged daughter because she provided child care for us for the last year before kindergarten. It's challenging to have kids over here but is probably the easiest solution. I would likely have to guide the play, plan some specific structured activities, and stay closeby to help out with the social skills so they'll want to come back again. It would be best to have her brother be elsewhere. He is a great player but to have him at home when there's another kid here can disrupt the purpose of the play date. He doesn't get in the way for the most part but the extra person/ noise/ negotiating adds to Sienna's stress sometimes. Plus, he's very social and would take over in that department.

I think that's all for now. Just plain old mommy guilt. I had it when my kids were babies and I'll have it when they're paying for their post-secondary educations! I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this one. 

Cute Autism-isms

Autism is not all bad. Here are some really cute things I adore that autism does...

Sienna used to jump up and down whe she got excited and still does on occasion. It's heartwarming. She expresses her emotions physically and to see her jump up and down, I know she's very happy or excited about something. Thank goodness because I'm sure there are many things in a day that she dreads.

Sienna sings and sings and sings. She makes up her own songs and she has lovely tone. Very rarely will she sing in front of anyone other than us but she makes up either her own words or completely nonsensical lyrics to a familiar tune that she knows. And she literally sings in the shower. Kinda like the opera way. Just like those commercials. I have tried to record some because I love listening to it so much!

Sometimes having to stick to the routine can be monotonous but other times it's a godsend. For example, now that we have practiced the morning routine of getting dressed, brushing teeth and going to the washroom, she will sometimes do these things on her own and then come to my room afterward to surprise me. Cutest thing ever! And it's like Christmas for me!

One of my favourite phrases from Sienna is "Right mommy?" This usually comes when she is telling someone else something that she feels is important. Like for example, telling someone about the rock cycle. We've read this national geographic book many times and she always wants to describe what is happening in the volcano picture. If she was telling someone else about volcanoes or rocks, she would very likely look at me when she's done and say, "Right mommy?" Or sometimes she will tell her dad something that I told her she could do and look to me and say, "Right mommy?" And she always says it in the same chipper tone.

This kid has the memory of ... an elephant? My grandfather? I don't know the saying, but she remembers things in pictures. We went to Canada's Wonderland last year and discussed going back again, she can recite some very particular details of that day -- a year ago. Like how many divers were in the show or what colour her roller coaster car was that day. Sure enough I could pull out a photo and she's right.

This kid loves the water. She loves swimming so much that if she does her little practice dive in the deep end, she is howling laughter before she even comes up for air. Sometimes I wonder how she manages to take a breath. I think about her challenges with body awareness and can see how swimming might make her feel free and weightless. I'm sure it's a relief for her from lifting her heavy limbs and bruising her poor legs on random things. Once we get her into the bathtub, she could stay there for hours if we let her. She loves laying in the bath listening underwater to the interesting muffled noises.

I still get to pick out her clothes. So if she doesn't match, it's my fault! Enough said.

When we get her on her crazy giggle, she won't stop. If we mimic her, she will continue until we are all crying with laughter. And she has the cutest laugh. She doesn't use it often so it is saved for cuteness.

She is a happy child and excited to go places and see new things. She loves animals and reptiles and will be an ant advocate for life. Her fascination with living things is admirable.

Maybe people would say that "every child has these cute little talents" or whatever. But we know these things are just a little bit different for our child. So there... There are just a few of the things that autism does to bring smiles to our faces. 

Thank goodness I'm a teacher

As we are into our second week of summer holidays, I have to commend working parents on the effort they must put into finding appropriate care for their children for such a long stretch of time. The planning, the organizing, the phone calls, the schedule changes. I can't even imagine. What a nightmare! Thank goodness I'm a teacher!

The lack of structure of summer holidays can be difficult for kids on the spectrum. Our first four days were filled with toileting accidents, meltdowns, demands, and a gazillion questions about "what's next". After that transition to the summer break, things have gotten better. We had a few days in a row without accidents and I would say an average, appropriate (haha) number of meltdowns etcetera. She needs to be kept busy and with a fair amount of guidance, that's for sure, but all in all we're doing well at the moment.

I have Sienna signed up for a camp this week and have sent a support worker with her. This is why I say I am so glad I chose the teaching profession. She's having a hard time. It's not very structured and I would go so far as saying it is quite disorganized actually. There is a visual schedule up on the wall, which is something she is familiar with and relies upon, but it is not followed. She is not given preparation for the transitions to the next activity. It's in a huge room that has two other large groups going on with a lot of echoing. Her group plays games and sing songs in a hallway. These are all challenges for Sienna. It won't be a camp that we return to again and I'm pondering pulling her from the week in August that we had planned. This is her first "older" camp with kids ages 6-8. She does better with the younger camps that have more structure and a lower counsellor-child ratio... Even with a support worker. It's unfortunate that it is not more inclusive. I would love to propose to the co-ordinator that I teach these counsellors how to design an inclusive environment. Maybe they'd pay me for that? Lol. Or maybe they'd sign me up for a psychiatric evaluation...

But anyway! Back to being thankful! If I was not a teacher and didn't have summers off, having a child with special needs would be even more challenging. First, where would I find the time to find appropriate camps and meet with the people to discuss our needs and fill out all the extra paperwork that comes with A) having special needs and B) verifying the support worker is legit? Second, how would I ever afford the $600 per week for 6 or 8 weeks that is paid to the support worker? Ouch. That plus the camp fees... And making sure there is someone who is knowledgeable, caring and available to support her each week? Third, and most important, how would Sienna ever get through 6 weeks of camps that are different, with different rules, different structures, different counsellors? Eek. Thank goodness I decided to go to teachers college... 

Plus I love being a teacher too -- just sayin'!