Take Two: After expressing that we wouldn't feel comfortable having her start school until we had a chance to chat with the teacher (at least), hubby took some time off work Friday to go in a second time. Very good impression of the teacher, who let Pea pick her coat hook, pick who she'd like to sit beside in class, listened to our concerns, read the letter we wrote about the attributes of our Sweet Pea, read the goals we had for the year (given to the SERT), and then followed up with an email. She even wanted to set a date for a meeting the first week of school. Sweet! We're rollin'...
Day 1: Pea is super excited to go to school. Slept well. Woke up excited and wanted to do every household job she could (feed the dog, set the table, etc.). This is a form of her getting out her pent up excitement. Easy to transition. Turned off the tv with little to no countdown, dressed, out the door and in car seat before daddy could snap his fingers. The day goes by. She comes home with a big smile. And all appears to go well at school until we ask her who is in her class. "I know two people mommy," and holds up two fingers. She names them and I respond by saying she must know more than that! Cripes, there are five kids alone on our street in the same grade! "Nope." After a little digging (with a child who doesn't have a penchant for the spoken language), we find out that none of the five other kids on our street are in her class.
We let that information sit in our brains while we went about the nightly after school stuff; toilet, reward for successful day (wii time), snack, swimming lessons, dinner, teeth, books, bed). Then mommy and daddy came to joint epiphanies at the same time. Wtf? There is not one kid on our street in her class? These are the families we chill with on weekends. These are the kids who have been over and swam in our pool this summer. These are the kids hubby coached soccer with the sole purpose of maintaining those social connections. These are the kids we see at the bus stop and playing on the street while we're out walking. These are the families who are getting to know our daughter's needs. These are the parents we trust and know. These are the homes we might consider having Pea over for a play date on her own. These are the kids we have been establishing relationships with for five years. These are the kids who will keep an eye out for Pea when she gets older.
So what is this? Mommy and daddy have a very thoughtful adult-like conversation and discussion about what this is. Some words like inclusiveness and segregation and isolation come up. We just came off a bad year of school in our opinion. No gains in social skills. I'll leave it at that, but bothersome enough that I called the closest private school in January to see what they had to offer. I did my research and was very seriously considering pulling Pea. Could we afford it? Absolutely not. Must we afford it? Absolutely! If that is what Pea needs. We both grew up in the public school system. Maybe we were over reacting (?) Maybe it would get better (?) Bla bla bla. Nope. By June, we agreed. If we have another year like this, we will not be waiting for another ten months to go by.
We have worked very hard to build the relationships within our community. And it is an awesome and amazing group of people whom we trust and are grateful for because of their interest in understanding our Sweet Pea. You see, Pea needs an extraordinary amount of time to learn and build social skills with peers. And needs help to do so. We need access to every single minute possible for her to do that. Especially with an adult around. In this situation, she gets none of that with our neighbours out of our public school system. Sure, there's recess someone might say. Pea is not going to go out of her way to find those kids and make conversation. It's not natural for her. And there is no adult at recess who has time to guide and support the conversations she may have. So here we are, with a teacher who is proactive and gung-ho, but with a child who has special needs without the group of families we will rely on to look out for her. There are weekends for play dates someone might say. We struggle with play dates for lots of reasons. And what about birthday parties? We all know how that goes. Kids will invite who happens to be in their class. Our fear? She will be excluded.
Our neighbours are going to become strangers.
In goes Hubby to see head honcho. We have discussed what we would like to say, what we will say, and what we need to leave out. If I had to compare, he is possibly more bothered by this than I am (although I guess I am the one up at 3:30am writing this). He will definitely do a better job having this conversation than I will because I tend to hold back some of what I really want to say and then become emotionally frustrated which may come out as anger, disgust, or contempt. Which it is, don't get me wrong. But that does not lend itself to fruitful conversation with head honcho. Hubby's a man. Honcho is a man. Men expect men to be straight forward, honest, and say what they're gonna say no holds barred.
Three weeks later...
There will be a shuffle in classes as a result of oversized classes. We can move Pea to the other split class! Ugh. Second thoughts. Teacher is super duper communicator. Teacher is teaching social skills and organization and persistence without having even met us to discuss those are things we need in Pea's program. Familiar EA is in classroom for support for much of the day. Pea has had a very smooth transition as opposed to her other Septembers in our home. If we switch, who is going to guarantee all those same things to ensure there are gains during this important year? Will there be enough support for Pea without the EA? How long will it take for Pea to adjust and for the new teacher to get to know her? Will she stand out in a class with older kids because of her lagging social and play skills? Will she be happy? Will she be happy.
Call the teacher. How much EA support does she need? Some for focus and attention, extra set of eyes and ears for interactions with peers. Great to have input from EA who has worked with her for three years, knows how far to push and when she needs a break. How do you feel she's doing? Chatty, happy, and taking leadership roles with younger kids (teacher shared examples that blew me away and of course made me tear up with joy AND relief). Saaaaayyy whaaaaaaat?! Shit. That makes this decision much harder but much easier. My gut says ... Stay where you are.
Get home. Discuss with hubby. Both of us are torn apart. These decisions are huge for us. They can make or break our progress. Call the EA at home (yes, I feel I have that relationship with her and she did give me her number last year). How do you feel she is doing? Shared some stories, understands why it's difficult for us, loves how this teacher treats and teaches each child as an individual, reminds us that Pea is happy.
Pea is happy. Decision made. If Pea is happy, our household is happy. When Pea is not happy, this house is a disaster.
Done. She stays. I can breathe. Take her to before school care the next day and our neighbour's kid is there. Pea walks right by her and heads straight to the Lego. Neither greets the other. I think to myself... Maybe being in the same class would not change this scenario at all. They have their group that plays at recess and Pea is not part of that; wasn't last year either when they were in the same class (no ill feelings there at all btw). Pea will fit in where she fits in. We'll never know if this is the right decision or not. But it's been made and we're rolling with it. There will always be "what ifs" for us when it comes to these things. Hell, we question ourselves fifty times a day. In the end, we keep Pea in her routine, make our lives easier in the short term (happy kid= happy family) and add more effort in other places (structured play dates with mommy/daddy coaching and extracurricular). Phew. Glad this week is over! On to the next!
